Jack Dee is an old Symondian so I feel safe in reproducing his entry in this week's Radio Times-
"An ice-cream man was found dead in his van, covered in hundreds and thousands and raspberry syrup. The police reckoned he'd topped himself."
"An ice-cream man was found dead in his van, covered in hundreds and thousands and raspberry syrup. The police reckoned he'd topped himself."
jim 
Oh well, I don't think Tommy Cooper was an old symondian.. but he was a one time neighbour of mine in Chiswick... here's some "of his ilk"... Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books. And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.' So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.' So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you. "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start" So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.' "I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids..." Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The Other one says "so are you, you fat b*stard" A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
ReplyDeleteCrikey, R A, have you got a database of these things? Well, I have now - I'm going to transfer your letter to my Psion PDA for handy reference. By the way, what's your first name? I can't see it anywhere ...
ReplyDeletehello Listers, Just to let you know that I am still here, musing quietly to myself and getting ready to drive to Germany with Annie in my camper-van to see our daughter. This one is more for the 'balmy summer evenings' A creative writing class at Slippery Rock University was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements: Religion, Royalty, Sex and Mystery
ReplyDeleteThe prizewinner wrote:
"My God," said the queen, " I am pregnant! I wonder who did it?" regards, jim
Hi Jim
ReplyDeleteLooks as though things are good for you ... thanks for the site, thanks for the "Essay" (Don't remember ANYTHING like that in 'Oofy's' day, but maybe I wasn't paying attention !!! )
Hope you have quality time with your Daughter and enjoy your trip 'im toto' to 'Germania' (you see, I DO remember something from 'EO') ( as well as 'nil illigitime carborundum') ...
Take care ... regards !!! ... and keep smiling !!!
Doug Clews ... Perth, Western Australia
(PSSW 1944 - 1950)
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Message for Doug Clews - saw your address as Perth WA and glad to see that there is another ex PSSW over here on the western edge of this wonderful island. Not quite the same the same vintage though ('64-'71) - and like Tommy Cooper Adams am an ex Wyke Lodge boarder. So where do you live in Perth Doug? We're just a few kms from the City centre in Inglewood.
ReplyDeleteCheers
Mark S