paying homage to our illustrious alumni Tommy Cooper and Jack Dee

Mike Conlan has just sent out the winter edition of the OS newsletter. Also included in the mailing was the latest list of members. Reading some of the entries it seems we have a good selection of students who ended up in aviation as pilots. So with a nod to them and our comedian alumni (sorry I lied about Tommy Cooper) here is something for the long winter evenings--

 

At Qantas Airlines after every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with  the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.  The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing  on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the  pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.  Never let it  be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.  Here  are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as  submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance  engineers.  By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has  never had an accident. 

      (P = the problem logged by the pilot.)  

     (S = the solution and action  taken by the engineers.) 

 

      P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
      S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
      P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
      S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
      P: Something loose in cockpit.
      S: Something tightened in cockpit.
      P: Dead bugs on windshield.
      S: Live bugs on back-order.
      P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
      S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
      P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
      S: Evidence removed.
      P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
      S: DME volume set to more believable level.
      P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
      S: That's what they're there for.
      P: IFF inoperative.
      S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
      P: Suspected crack in windshield.
      S: Suspect you're right.
      P: Number 3 engine missing.
      S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
      P: Aircraft handles funny.
      S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
      P: Target radar hums.
      S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
      P: Mouse in cockpit.
      S: Cat installed.
      P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.  Sounds like a midget  pounding on something with a hammer.
      S: Took hammer away from midget.